As I write this with my usual cup of hot coffee on a negative temperature sunday morning, I reminiscence the last couple of years until today that I thought was pretty paced, special and perhaps dramatic(?). I post this song which reflects my current mood perfectly. I copy-paste the link and continue to write.
I am hurt, yet I smile. I am not okay, yet I pretend to be. I feel like a crash test dummy that just got bust. I open up my dark side which I had buried long ago. That ME laughs at what I've done to myself, mocks me for everything that I felt and done ever since I put it away. I create and listen to a looping playlist on my phone. I feel better. I think to myself, what the fuck was I even thinking; makes me feel better and I continue to walk. But suddenly, images flash right again, and I stand there still. I try to move, but I can't, like I just witnessed a murder. I look down and see its me who is bleeding. (I swear that is an original line that I just thought of).
Karma is a bitch, bites you back like the razor teeth of a new puppy. I thought I had paid all of mine, I guess it was just the interest and this one was the final lump sum principal. The slate is now clear, be warned that even if karma is on vacation, it shall be me with the trident.
Whoever the fuck said things are to be liked and people are to be loved, I swear, I shall hunt down the bastard and torture him more than what they show on "Law abiding Citizen". I swear. I lived my life and dealt with people how they were supposed to be treated. Loved dogs, coz they obey, unconditionally love, probably starve to death if you don't feed him, continue to be loyal without any conditions, but never betray the hand that it got fed from.
Images flash again, I can't feel my pulse. I can't breathe. I look up and see my darker side standing, laughing; extending his hand, asking if I want to let him enter me through the bleeding wound. I hesitate for a bit, for I know this is a one way entry and there's going to be no riddance. So I say to him, sit beside for a while, for I want to remember what this feels like. I want to remember this exact moment, with my blood on my hands and look back at the long trail of blood I've left. And this is shall be the path that I will drag along by the hair the fruits of hatred; what even the cruelest side of karma wouldn't be able to do.
Words can't express how much now I've missed my old self. I had my circle once which I didn't let anybody in. I was an angry boy once, I caused enough permanent damage to things and temporary ones to people. And then came along the decision to replace the silence and anger with a smile. I let people breach my circle. And now I think what a fool I've been to do that. For when you smile and make people happy, when you begin to trust, you let them in. But least do you realize its a bad virus that just enters and takes down the system. And this is me now, reinstalling my original self for running an anti-virus doesn't completely remove the dirty stains it leaves behind.
This reinstalling might take a while and it might also take a while for me to take the smile off me face, but I shall soon, because I have so much more left to do. I wipe the dust off my diary and look at things that I once had as my priority before replacing it with people. Its good to lose sometimes; you ask why? For people are more daring when they have nothing to lose.
I have pinched myself to wake up from the dream. I have now woken up.
Adiós
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